In early November, we published an inspirational quote attributed to Melinda Gates, the co-Chair of the Gates Foundation:

“A woman with a voice is by definition a strong woman. But the search to find that voice can be remarkably difficult.”

The quote seemed to have resonated with many people on social media, and I was reminded of my own journey to find my voice, which to some degree, still continues. As Melinda says, which I can attest to, a woman’s journey to find her voice is not easy, but perhaps more importantly, maintaining that voice, strengthening that voice requires practice and vigilance, as it is easy to slip back into old habits. Having been in the trenches trying to find and develop my voice, here are six lessons I have learnt that continue to be relevant, as I continue my own journey.

 

1. Setting Boundaries Is A Muscle

If there is anything I know for sure it is that setting boundaries, or just being honest with yourself and others about your wants and needs, takes effort. Doing or saying nothing are easier paths. At first, when you decide to speak up, it may not be pretty. It may take all of your willpower, you may waffle a bit, beat around the bush, and overall just be clumsy, but hopefully, you will get it done.

Although those initial experiences might have you running for the hills, the key is to persevere, and try again when situations arise. As you practice setting boundaries and using your voice, it becomes easier. It also helps you to become clearer about what you want and what you don’t want; and what you will and won’t tolerate. The key though is to push through the fear and challenge yourself, which from personal experience, is easier said than done.

 

2.  It Is Important To Stand Your Ground

Depending on the situation and the person or people you are dealing with, when you have expressed an opposing view or declared a boundary, you may get some push-back. It would be too easy if as soon as you say your piece, the other party is like, “Oh, okay. No problem”. You are likely to get questions demanding that you justify you position, which may be accompanied by defiant body language and/or tone of voice, which can just make the situation more intimidating, and even have you questioning whether you want to continue along the path you had started.

Truthfully, that decision is yours to make. Some situations may be worth the fight more than others. However, if there is one thing you ought keep in mind, it is when you first start to speak up to people to whom you had not done so before, they more than anyone else will challenge you, and even try to wear you down to get their own way. The key is to not back down.

 

3.  Relenting Can Become A Habit

A saying that I hear a lot from my girlfriends, especially when there are disagreements in their romantic relationships, is ‘for a peaceful life’ they chose to relent on a particular issue. By no means, am I encouraging anyone to become a battle axe and fight on EVERY issue. It is indeed important to ‘pick your battles’; but the pendulum can swing too far in the other direction, where every potential conflict fizzles out before it gets started, all for the sake of ‘a peaceful life’.

As was said earlier, setting a boundary or voicing an opposing view is not easy. In addition to just mustering up the courage to express yourself, you are likely to get push-back from the other party that you will need to address. On the other hand, when you relent, essentially, you are letting the other party have his/her/their way, so as not to ruffle feathers, and not to make waves. You, in turn, may choose to take solace in the sacrifices you have made, which may make you feel like the bigger and more virtuous person, which in my view, can be addictive.

 

4.  Your Sacrifice Is Not Always Appreciated

In relenting, ‘taking one for the team’ and suffering in silence, it does not mean that the other party appreciates the sacrifice you have made in allowing them to have their way. If you have not been one to own your voice, express opposing views or set boundaries, the other party may just assume – as you have done in the past – that after some grumbling, you will go with the flow. They may not realise that you are choosing to put them and their needs before your own, and so recognise your sacrifices, and express the requisite amount of appreciation. As soon as you stop opposing or agree, they tend to move one. Boom! Just like that, leaving you there to pick up the pieces and process what has happened.

So when you choose not to back down on an issue, they are surprised, and may even get combative with you. They are not accustomed to opposition or challenge from you, and so you may have to fight or be persistent to be heard, and your point of view accepted.

 

5.  You Can Be Your Worst Enemy

I had this situation about year ago. A man was interested in being in a relationship with me, however, after a couple of dates, based on some of the things he said and did, I felt that he might be controlling, so I did not want to get too involved too soon. As much as I had indicated that I wanted to take it slow, get to know him better, it seemed he was getting ahead of himself, and I needed to take a clearer stance, and tell him that I do not want to get involved with him romantically.

When I was deliberating my decision, and like most women, trying to figure out how to let him down easy, there was another part of me that was challenging me on my decision: “You know you would like to be in a relationship, so why not with him?”, “You don’t have anybody else banging down your door”, “He’s quite a nice guy, who is very into you. What else do you need?”. So there I was being brow-beaten – by myself – into changing my mind… which I didn’t do.

However, I had to ask myself how many times in the past had I talked myself out of a (good) decision I had made: caused myself to relent, or to change my mind. I honestly don’t know, but I am sure that the situation I am now sharing was not the first time. Thankfully, I was more aware, and essentially, could nip it in the bud.

 

6.  It Can Take Time To Know Yourself

I don’t know how some women do it. They seem in full control of their lives, are confident in knowing what they want and what they don’t want, and are decisive in the decisions they make. I am aware that I have been changing and evolving over the years, and in launching Journey To Growth, challenging myself, walking through some of my insecurities and fears, which is giving me the opportunity to not only grow, but also to become even more attuned to who I am and who I am becoming.

The reason why I have included ‘it can take time to know yourself’ as a lesson learnt is because all too often, we have a lot thoughts and opinions on a broad range of issues rolling around in our heads; but until they are expressed, to some degree, I feel as if they’re not yet real. It is the process of giving life to our voice, be it literally in speaking or figuratively through journaling, for example, that we begin to experience what we have been thinking and feeling, along with the impact expressing ourselves can have on the situations we are in.

However, as we begin to express ourselves, our thoughts and feelings on a particular situation may change, or become more nuanced. To me, that is a good thing. We are complex creatures, with many shades of grey that we begin to learn more about as we delve deeper into who we truly are, and who we are meant to be.

 

 

Image: freepik