The term, ‘Emotional Intelligence’, which is also known as ‘emotional quotient’ or ‘EQ’ is one that has been used quite frequently, especially in the workplace to describe the extent to which individuals are attuned to their emotions. It is a popular topic in business magazines, with articles on business leaders demonstrating EQ being published regularly.

However, EQ is not a skill or capability that only has value in the workplace and to support your career advancement. It is crucial for all aspects of our lives, but somehow, does not appear to be given the requisite attention, and sadly, most of us have given little thought to EQ generally, or how we navigate difficult situations.

 

Defining EQ

Generally, EQ is the ability an individual has to perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle his, her or their emotions. Ideally, this skill should help you to, among other things, connect with your feelings and build stronger relationships, which can help you both your personal and professional life. Moreover, EQ helps you also manage situations better, such as to: communicate effectively, empathise with others, overcome challenges, relieve stress, and defuse conflicts.

Several models have been developed to assess EQ, but among the best known is the one developed by Daniel Goleman, which specifies the following five competencies:

Self-awareness – the ability to know one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

Self-regulation – involves controlling or redirecting one’s disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

Social skill – managing relationships to get along with others

Empathy – considering other people’s feelings especially when making decisions

Motivation – being aware of what motivates them.

Generally, women tend to score higher on EQ or empathy tests, but upon delving deeper, there seem to be some caveats. According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information, women tend to score higher if measured through self-reports. Also, psychologists, like Daniel Goleman, have found that women and men have different strengths among the EQ competencies, and so it may not be that one gender is more deficient than the other, but rather, physiologically, men and women process situations differently.

 

Are We As Emotionally Intelligent As We Should Be?

In taking the EQ quizzes that are available online, it becomes evident pretty quickly that we tend to know what the most emotionally intelligent response is, and so we can score highly on these tests. Consider the following two questions from VeryWell Mind, which are part of its EQ quiz:

Two of your friends are fighting so you…

• Try to help them understand each other’s point of view
• Pick a side and bad-mouth the other friend
• Avoid both of them until the fight is over
• Let them vent their emotions to you

Your friend tells you she has suffered a miscarriage. How do you respond?

• Allow your friend to express her feelings and offer your support
• Convince her to go out with some friends to get her mind off it
• Give her some time to herself
• Spend time with her, but avoid talking about her loss

The dilemma is:  Do you respond with what you are more likely to do in a real-world situation, or do you respond with what you believe is the answer that shows a high EQ? This in large part is where the challenge is. In real-world situations, you know what you ought to do – in principle – but why is it that you don’t do so?

To a considerable degree, both men and women are taught to suppress their emotions, and are not taught effective tools to help them manage them. Further, and for women in particular, they are often socialised to be people-pleasers, and as a result, they can be more attuned to the pulse in a room, or among our colleagues, or with family and friends, than with our own feelings. We thus ought to be questioning how emotionally intelligent we really are.

 

Improving Your EQ

If there is anything that we should be able to agree upon is that there is a fundamental difference between knowing something and doing something. Knowing the more emotionally intelligent course of action to take, but not doing so, speaks to a conflict within us that merits attention.

One of the most important steps we can take to start the journey towards greater EQ is to become more self-aware when we are deciding how to act. Often, we may not think critically about why we are choosing one course of actions versus others, and it would be beneficial to consciously consider the circumstances, our feelings, concerns and insecurities, against what we know to be the best approach.

The purpose of this exercise is not to brow-beat yourself about the choices you make, but rather to ensure that you are aware of the choice, and can seek to get some insight into why you made a particular decision. Knowing ‘the why’ allows you to do the self-work needed – if you are so inclined – to be able to address the conflict between knowing and doing, which leads to greater EQ.

 

A Word About Boundaries

Boundaries are an important consideration in any conversation on EQ, especially with regard to your personal boundaries. Essentially, the focus tends to be on you knowing your limits and being able to say no. However, there is another aspect of boundaries, which as we bring this conversation to a close, is also important to consider.

In both of the EQ quiz questions shared above, one of the reasons our responses might be other than the first one listed – which is the most EQ response – is because we do not want to be seen as overstepping, or somehow invading people’s space. In today’s politically-correct world, we are taught to be aware of the personal boundaries of others, and of course, to be prepared to set them for ourselves.

However, and at the same time, these boundaries can paralyse us, especially when we are trying to perceive the boundaries of others, in order to ensure that we act appropriately. In the quiz question about the friend who had the miscarriage, many of us would choose to avoid the uncomfortable conversation, on the basis of not prying or not intruding. But is it the most emotionally intelligent way to respond to that situation?

Although it could be argued that we most definitely have to be mindful of other people’s boundaries, we may also need to think of ways in which we can offer support to those around us, especially if they are going through a difficult time. Further, and perhaps more importantly, we may need to also consider whether we are prepared for the difficult or emotionally-charged conversations that could follow, and how best we can create a safe space for sharing and human-to-human connections to occur.

 

 

Image: Tengyart (Unsplash)