Across many aspects of our lives, we as women are the ones who are expected to relent – to be the one to always concede – be it in our romantic relationships, that with family and friends, and even in the workplace. On the flipside, many of us want to be loved and accepted, and often feel that if we do not agree with others, they will take their love away and we will be all alone. The results can be a potent combination of doubt and fear that can keep us from truly expressing ourselves and setting boundaries.

It is not surprising that this dynamic is established early in the way girls are socialised versus boys. Boys are encouraged to be more assertive, more liberated, and consequently, more independent-minded. For example, Caribbean boys can roam all day with their friends, get into all kinds of bumps and scrapes, and no questions are asked, as long as they come home at the end of the day. Girls are definitely not allowed the same latitude.

However, interestingly, the behaviour to compromise is readily seen in the relationship between young girls. Decisions tend to be made by consensus, but that does not necessarily mean that every girl has a say in shaping the final outcome. Typically, there is a tacit expectation that a suggestion will be accepted by all, and for those who choose not to go along, they may be threatened (“if you don’t agree, we will no longer be your friends”), and may even be ousted from the group. Essentially, the need to belong can be a powerful incentive to not rock the boat and to go with the flow.

For someone like me, who is shy and introverted, speaking up – even when I have no wish to rock any boat – has been nerve-wracking. So, situations that call for me to say no, to disagree, or to just state my boundaries, have left me insecure and blanketed in fear. As I have gotten older, I have gotten a bit better, but it is a battle I still have to fight.

Clearly, the stakes differ from situation to situation, and so the consequences of not listening to your inner voice also differ. But typically, they all start with self-loathing: Why didn’t I say something? Why am I doing something that I don’t want to do? Why did I bring this on myself? Is keeping the peace really worth it?

 

Picking Our Battles

As we get older, we tend to understand the saying, “you have to pick your battles”. Yes, it is important to stand up for yourself and not let any- and everyone walk all over you; but that posture can be tiring for you, and tiresome for the person on the receiving end, especially if you all tend to butt head often. Moreover, and perhaps when all is said and done, some things may not be worth the fight.

Having said this, the pendulum can swing too far in the other direction, where every potential conflict fizzles out before it gets started ‘for a peaceful life’. When there is conflict, some greater good tends to be at stake, such as the smoother running of a marriage, or of work relationships. Clearly, if the issue is one that has minimal or no direct impact on you, it may be best to allow the other party to do as he or she wishes. However, if the situation can adversely affect you and/or your family, for example, it may be best to speak up and make your thoughts and concerns heard – though it is easier said than done.

 

Can We Compromise Too Much?

As noted earlier, the need to belong can be powerful, and so many of us have experienced all kinds of trauma growing up and even in adulthood, which not only have affected our self-esteem and self-worth, but also fuels our need to be validated by others. Further, and depending on our religious background, even as grown-ass women, we may still want to be seen as good girls, and have taken to heart the virtue of sacrifice and suffering, in order to get rewards later.

However, when we acquiesce often, and concede on matters that are important to us, two things tend to occur. First, we do not build the strength to stand our ground when we ought to do so. As a result, and even when we feel strongly about a situation and ought to share an opposing view, we may not be able to muster the energy, the wherewithal, and be able to power through that uncomfortable feeling in order to express ourselves. Second, and perhaps more crucially, if we frequently concede to particular persons, such as partners or family members, after a while, they may take us for granted, and readily assume that we pose no (real) opposition to whatever they wish to do.

Ultimately, and over time due to continually acquiescing, we may end up timid and not knowing who we truly are, and what would make us happy. Although it is easy to say, ‘That would NEVER happen to me”, the odds are we all know women who ended up like that. Some may have been vivacious in their youth, and later in life just seem to be shadow of their former self. However, that change rarely happens overnight. Instead, it is a slow degradation that initially would have been built one concession at a time, but eventually will snowball until it permeates all aspects of our lives.

 

Clawing Back To Our True Selves

Self-love, and specifically the ability to know ourselves and to be comfortable living as our true selves, can be a powerful and effective antidote against the need to constantly submit to the desires of others. However, and for most of us, the journey to self-love is neither easy nor quick. We have a lot of subliminal messages we have been telling ourselves for decades that we not only need to recognise, but also to resolve. The process is painful, and may even be traumatic, and the services of a professional, such as therapist, may be needed to guide one through the process.

The thing though is that as very young children, self-love and knowing ourselves might not have been an issue. We would have done so with ease. It is our socialisation, and the mores of our family, the church  and our community, among other inputs, that have shaped us (and continue to shape us) into the person we currently are. So, to a considerable degree, our journey to self-love requires us to claw back all we have learnt and have been conditioned to believe, in order to reconnect with our essence.

 

 

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