Closure, or the need for closure, is a concept that we either have all said, or have heard others say after a particularly distressing situation, such as relationship breakup, a sudden loss, or some painful memories from the past that we have not been able to put behind us. When we speak of the ‘need for closure’, and according to the American Psychological Association, it can mean “the need to achieve a sense of finality at the close of a painful or difficult episode in one’s life”. However, there does not appear to be any specific or authoritative methods through which ‘closure’ can be achieved.

The impetus for my focus on closure was a BBC documentary on Trokosi, which is a traditional system still practised in  in Ghana, Togo, and Benin, where families send young virgin girls to religious shrines as slaves to make amends for the wrongdoings of a family member. The documentary tells the story of a young woman, Brigette, who became a Trokosi around the age of six, and who in a need for closure, wanted to understand how she ended up a Trokosi in the first place. Long story short, it appears that why Brigette became a Trokosi stemmed from lies and misunderstandings, which she could not fully resolve.

 

 

The Need For Answers

When many of us speak of the need for closure, it is because we feel as if there are questions for which we need answers. In its absence, we remain confused and unable to resolve the hurt and sense of loss we are feeling.

Generally, the unanswered questions stem from sense that other parties acted in ways we did not expect. For example, and in the case of a romantic breakup, if our partner suddenly cuts off communication with us, or  suddenly wants to end the relationship saying, “It’s me, not you.”. There may be not only devastation due to the loss of the relationship, but also not truly understanding why the breakup occurred.

 

My Closure Is Not Your Closure

As with most things in life, people’s need for closure varies. Some people avoid closure, and are happy in the vagueness and ambiguity of situations, whilst others prefer explanations in minute detail.

In having the opportunity to engage the other party (or parties), and depending on the individual, the approach taken may be to have the ‘offending parties’ explain their decision, in order to better understand their point of view. However, in the workplace, for example,  if our employment was suddenly terminated, the individual with whom one might be able to engage may not have been responsible for making the decision that resulted in our termination, and so they may not be able to fully explain how and why that decision was made.

However, if the approach is to seek to have ‘offending parties’ justify their decision, and perhaps even try to convince them that their decision was the wrong one, that approach can end badly for several reasons. First, whatever explanation that is proffered my not be considered satisfactory. Second, the ‘offending party’ might not wish to be confronted nor  feel the need to defend their decision, and so offer very little explanation or insight as a result. Third, the ‘offending party’ may feel as if they are being railroaded, and that their feelings and needs are not being considered, and may become even more defensive and less willing to engage.

 

Closure For Yourself, By Yourself

Ultimately, and regardless of the extent to which the other party is prepared to engage, that does not automatically signal closure. If there is the opportunity to discuss the ‘why’ and ‘how come’ a situation unfolded the way it did, and the other party is willing to participate and to answer the tough questions, consider it a blessing, and perhaps the exception. However, that exercise could also reveal some painful truths and differing perspectives, which it may be too late to remedy.

Moreover, if there is opportunity to engage with the other party, it may only be the first step in the process to achieving closure. The real work begins to get to the point of accepting the situation as it is; and referring to the previously-given definition for closure, “the need to achieve a sense of finality…” That sense of finality is achieved through acceptance.

However, in order to get to acceptance, we need to acknowledge the (profound) sense of loss, and consequently, the grief we are experiencing. Although we tend to think of grief primarily when the death of a loved one occurs, it also happens when there is a change that alters our life as we know it, such as the end of a relationship, or the loss of a job.

It is thus likely that to achieve closure – for ourselves – we will need to work through the various stages of grief: denial; anger, bargaining; depression; acceptance. The process is an individual one, as we sit in the hurt and hopefully, are able to work our way through to acceptance and being able to move on. However, that process will be different for everyone, and it will take time. Some of us may be able to manage on our own; whilst others may need professional support. However, regardless of how the process unfolds, it is important to remember to be kind to ourselves, and give ourselves the grace – and the space – to work through it all.

 

 

Image: R. D. Smith (Unsplash)