Regret.

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, it is defined as “a feeling of sadness about something sad or wrong or about a mistake that you have made, and a wish that it could have been different and better”. The majority of us have experienced this feeling. Although we may feel slight pangs of regret, or wistfulness, due to an experience from our past, it is not something that is top of mind or that we continually dwell on.

However, if we are honest, there is at least one experience that is not easily forgotten, and to some degree, we may feel as if it has haunted us all these years. Further, and although it has not paralysed us, we may feel that had the outcome been different, it would have changed the trajectory of our life.

 

Self-Blame And Guilt

Generally, choices tend to fall into two camps:  action taken, and action not taken. Frequently, we tend to focus only when we take proactive action. But our inaction is just as pivotal, and at the end of the day, it is also a choice.

As it relates to regret, we may not only be wishing that we had acted differently than we did, or had made a different choice, but also, we may have a lot of guilt, or even shame, attached to the experience. Regret, and accordingly guilt, shame and self-blame can be highly pervasive, and if left unmanaged, can underpin several health challenges, such as anxiety, stress, insomnia and depression. Moreover, the situation can become compounded when we use alcohol, drugs, drowning ourselves in work, etc., as coping mechanisms to avoid dealing with the sources of our distress.

 

Imperfect Decisions

One of the challenges, when you need to make a decision that is rarely discussed, is the fact that you are doing so with insufficient information. Often, there are numerous variables and forces at play, and you cannot say how other parties directly or indirectly connected to your situation will respond. All you can do, and all you have control of, is what choice you make, based on the circumstances as you understand them.

It is also important to emphasise that some situations you might regret may not be due purely to your decision. Others, who are part of the situation, make decisions for their benefit based on the circumstances as they understand them, but which may not be what you had hoped for. Although those situations are more complicated, there is not much you can do but recognise that everyone can and will make their own choices.

 

The Grass Is Not Always Greener

One of the feelings that trip us up when we are experiencing regret is the sense that had we made a different choice, our lives or circumstances would be considerably better than it is now. Although it cannot be unequivocally refuted, we ought to be careful to recognise that we may be viewing the path not chosen through rose-coloured glasses. Had we made a different choice, we would still experience adversity and would continually need to make decisions along that path.

It is also easy to want to measure yourself – and your successes or failures – against those of others, particularly those who seemed to have made the choices you now think you should have made in the past. However, once again, life is a series of choices, not just one, and so measuring yourself again others is inherently unfair. It suggests that you and those with whom you are comparing are identical in every way – backgrounds, circumstances, etc. – and that you would make exactly the same choices they did, at the time they did, which is virtually impossible.

 

The Benefit Of Hindsight

Although regret can be debilitating in its extreme form, it can be highly instructive as well and can have a positive impact on going forward. In essence, it can help you make better choices in the future, thanks to the lessons learned. For example, if you hesitated to make a particular decision due to fear, the regret subsequently experienced could remind you to be brave and step out of your comfort zone. On the flip side, if you we quite impetuous or cavalier, the takeaway might be to be more intentional and prudent.

Using regret to drive learning experiences is an important way to cope with those feelings. The point is that the past cannot be changed, but there are opportunities to shape the future. So, a question you could ask yourself is, “Based on this past regret, how can it help me to make better choices in the future?”

Often the answer to that question is not straightforward. Frequently, we can still be caught up in the emotions of the past and may not yet be able to examine the situation dispassionately, and more importantly, with compassion for ourselves and those involved. Hence, it may take some time and effort before you are able to give the matter careful thought and identify the lessons you can learn.

 

Forgiveness Is Key

Finally, and to fully move forward with love and compassion for yourself and the choices you have made, forgiveness is crucial. The negative thoughts of guilt and recrimination can erode our self-esteem and can make you even more vulnerable in the long run.

Forgiving yourself is a process, as we often hold ourselves to very high standards, and expect perfection in imperfect situations. However, self-acceptance is a choice. It starts by first letting go of the anger, resentment, or disappointment you feel towards yourself. Second, it is important to accept (or make peace with) the consequences. This step can be especially challenging as it may feel defeatist, but the point is that you cannot change the past: but you can intentional and take steps to ensure that you have a better future.

 

 

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