In the daily bustle, it is likely that either we will be asked, or we will ask someone, “How are you?”. Invariably, and almost before the question has a chance to be fully heard and absorbed, a reply is being uttered, such as, “Good, and you?”, “I’m fine, thanks”, “Great!”, “Comme ci, comme ça. How about you?”. However, are these responses really true, and reflect what we have been experiencing, or how we actually feel?

Truthfully though, when we ask someone, “How are you”?, or have it asked of us, often it is just out of politeness and to make small talk. It does not necessarily mean that the questioner is that interested in the reply. It’s just part of the formalities either when your path crosses with someone, or before you both move the conversation into whatever might be the issue at hand. However, when ‘how are you?’ is asked with intention and genuine interest, it is likely that many of us may not truly know how we feel, and be able to properly articulate it even to ourselves.

 

A Profound Gift

As simple as the question is, it profoundness was brought home to me a couple of years ago when a much older friend, Vickie, who I made a point to visit every Saturday morning would ask me very clearly and great interest, “Michele, how are you?”. Initially, I just gave the stock answer, “I’m good, thanks”, but sometimes Vickie would repeat the question. Over time, and thanks to our weekly catch-ups, I began to realise I was being given an opportunity to check in with myself, and assess what was going on in my life at the time: how I was or had been feeling, and share it with my conscious self.

Often, and thanks to the bustle of today’s world, we can just be focussed our hamster wheel of life: trying to get through the day, meet our commitments, and then wake up the next day and do it all over again. Who really has time for feelings and introspection?

However, consistent with the premise of Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Blink, our senses and subconscious are absorbing a lot more information that we realise about what we are witnessing and experiencing. Moreover, this information is shaping our impressions, perspective, thoughts and feelings. So sometimes when we react in ways that seem unlike us, this subconscious and unconscious communication might be at the source, or at the very least, would be important contributors. However, we may not have an inkling of what may actually be driving us – most of the time – unless or until we take some time for self-reflection.

 

Checking In With Yourself

It should thus not be surprising that many of us struggle to sit alone in our thoughts for any extended period of time. We can only do so for a few minutes, before need to find something to occupy ourselves, such as cleaning or tidying up, trying to find something to binge watch on TV, or checking our Instagram feed. However, in not taking the time to get more in touch with ourselves, we end up not being as connected as we could be to who we are, and to our intuition.

Having said this, many of us have become a bit rusty at checking in with ourselves. Those muscles have atrophied from lack of use, and so need to be rediscovered and nurtured. Below are a few ways in which you can begin the process to rediscover yourself.

1.  Unplug. In order to get into the frame of mind needed to begin to better tap into ourselves, we need to curb the distractions. It means finding a quiet place, putting our phones away or on silent, turning of the TV, radio, etc. if you have kids, try to eke out some quiet time when they are occupied, or either before they wake up or after they have gone to bed. Initially, you might find yourself starting to fidget after less than five minutes, but keep practising. With consistent practise you will get better.

2.  Breathe. As much as breathing is essential for us to live, frequently, we are not breathing properly. Our breaths are shallow and full of tension. In engaging is full diaphragmatic breathing, we become more connected to the rhythm and flow of our bodies. Yoga, particularly styles that focus on the breath, can be especially useful to help us become more aware of our bodies, and the sensations we might be feeling.

Similarly, consider doing a body scan. In a systematic way, such as starting from your toes and moving up the body to the top of your head, and as you breathe, focus on a particular part of your body, and note the sensations you are feeling. Once again, as you practise, we will begin to become more attuned to your body, and consequently, how you are feeling.

3.  Meditate or contemplate.  Meditation or contemplation are ways to help us quiet the ‘monkeys of the mind’: essentially, the multitude of errant thoughts that tend to flood us when we need to sit quietly and connect with ourselves. Although some of us may shy away from meditation, it is a way of practising mindfulness, or of focussing the mind on a thought, activity or a particular object, in order to achieve mental and emotional clarity and calmness.

Typically, when we think of meditating it seems to require us to sit still and do nothing, but we can also experience many of the benefits when we engaging in light exercise or activity, such as a leisurely walk, jog, hike or swim. However, we still need to focus on our thoughts and feelings, and on processing what we have been experiencing.

4.  Free-write. Finally, journaling is also an excellent way of tapping into what we are feeling, and more importantly, a way of helping us to consciously process our experiences. However, unlike just recalling what happened for the day, free-writing, which sometimes is referred to as a stream of consciousness journaling, is a way to begin to tap into your subconscious mind and feelings. To do so, you just write (or type) whatever thoughts you are having.

Crucial to the free-writing process is to be unfiltered, in order to find your authentic voice. The writing does not need to be organised, make sense, or be grammatically correct. It is a way of tapping into your thoughts and feelings without your brain too involved. If your brain controls what you write, it is likely to be filtered, sanitised, and projecting what we ‘think’ we want to see, and not what we are truly feeling.

In closing, it is recommended that you try to check in with yourself at least twice daily: in the mornings and evenings – at the start and end of your day. These check-ins can be invaluable in helping you not only to better connect with yourself and how you are feeling, but it can also help you to be more intentional about how you engage with others, tackle situations, and ultimately, how you move through the world.

 

 

Image: Pixabay (Pexels)