We have all experienced it. A situation that either ended prematurely or badly for which we had great hopes of a happier outcome. It may have been a romantic relationship, a job or project that we wished did not end as it did, but for which we still have unresolved anger, hurt and/or disappointment. 

As much as we have moved on, perhaps a bit more often than we would like to admit, our mind flits back to this past hurt, and deep down, we know that we are still not over it. It does not necessarily mean that we wish to return to that past situation, but in the present, we still have unresolved feelings that could potentially affect how we move forward. 

Moreover, and in the public domain, we see people who seem to bounce back after a painful situation, and so we may feel the need to hold ourselves to that ideal. However, even for them, truly letting go is not that easy, especially when you had invested in the situation. It can be a process and takes time.  

 

Be Gentle With Yourself 

Whenever we have painful thoughts due to our past, the first thing we tend to do is berate ourselves for not being strong enough or more resilient to put that bad or sad situation behind us. Instead, you ought to recognise and appreciate that you are attuned with your feelings, which ought you need to validate. If it were someone else, you would be more inclined to be compassionate and offer words of encouragement, but somehow, you do not think you deserve the same. 

However, in order to let go of the hurt, in the first instance, you ought to acknowledge that you are in fact hurting. And in doing so, you are one step closer to healing.  

 

Allow The Negative Emotions To Flow 

Coupled with the previous point, and as part of the healing process, it is important to honour your loss, and not avoid the negative emotions you are feeling, be they sadness, anger, disappointment, grief, resentment, or a combination of them. If you try to avoid or suppress these emotions, you will only prolong the suffering. 

At such times, it may be useful to journal in order to try to process what you are feeling, and even to try get to the root of why you are feeling what you are feeling. For example, if you are feeling sad, why are you sad? And what has triggered those feelings? Even within those difficult situations, there is the opportunity for self-discovery, and to increase your own personal intimacy, your understanding of yourself and what makes you tick. 

 

Create A Positive Mantra To Counter The Painful Thoughts 

Although it is important to honour your loss, it is also important to not allow yourself to get unduly stuck in those feelings for an extended period of time. It is thus crucial to be able to pull yourself out of those painful thoughts and emotions by introducing positive thoughts to get you back on track.  

In creating a mantra to counter negative thoughts, consider expressing gratitude. For example, “I am so grateful that I did not stay in the situation any longer than I did.” “I am so grateful that I now have an opportunity to have a better experience, or to choose a different path.” Often, our minds tend to fixate on the negative, so we need to consciously be reminded of the silver lining. 

 

Give Yourself Permission To Forgive 

Often, and especially if you feel as if you have been wronged, you are somehow hoping that the other party or parties will apologise and admit that they hurt you, and that you need this admission for you to move on or have closure. However, that apology rarely happens, and if it does, you are still left to pick up the pieces of your life.  

As part of the healing and in order to fully let go of the hurt, there will likely come a point where you will need to release the negative feelings you have towards the other parties involved. More importantly, you will also need to forgive yourself. Often, you may wish that you were more astute, smarter, or that you had not acted in a certain way back in the day. Ultimately, you will need to forgive yourself and the others involved, in order to heal. 

 

Do The Work For You  

Finally, it is important to emphasise that you are responsible for and need to take care of your own healing, regardless of what the other persons involved are doing. Letting go of difficult situations is part of your journey to growth. Increasing self-awareness and growing to love yourself more, warts and all, is perhaps the greatest personal goal you can have.  

Additionally, do recognise that healing will take time. Often, the past situation that you think you are trying to overcome may be just the latest occurrence or trigger of an earlier experience, which may still be unresolved.  

To that end, surround yourself with people who support and can uplift you, and with whom you can share your feelings. They may be able to help you unpack your thoughts and offer perspectives that you had not thought about before or had been avoiding. However, if needed, do not hesitate to seek professional help. Once again, the goal is to have you be your best self and to be in a position to live your best life.  

 

 

Image:  Brett Jordan (Unsplash)