If you think about it, most of the rules and standards we live by, and to which we hold others, are those that we have absorbed from those around us, be it our family, our schooling, our church and even the wider community. These standards may not necessarily be wrong, but have you taken the time to consider whether you are indeed comfortable with adhering to those standards; and whether it is appropriate to expect others to also abide by them?

Sometimes, or perhaps it might be more often than we care to admit, we say we believe in a particular standard, but in practice, we do not aspire to what we say we believe. In other words, the rules we are quick to hold others to, are not the ones to which we hold ourselves accountable. The result is a disconnect within us, which keeps us from becoming more aligned with our authentic selves.

 

The price you pay for filling in

So why have standards that you do not wish to meet?  Invariably, it boils down to our need to conform and fit in. These are standards people in your circle have been espousing, so you feel the need to also do the same – though in private, you might live by other rules. But what about the hypocrisy of it all?

The dichotomy between the life you are living and the standards you are demonstrating in practice, versus those that know to be true and which you should be following, can set up considerable internal turmoil. More importantly, if you dare to rock the boat, it can be the source of conflict in your relationships, as those in your circle may feel betrayed that you are no longer as aligned with them. Ultimately, relationships may be lost, or at the very least changed, in the fallout.

 

Understanding your values

Underpinning the standards you possess are the values you hold dear. What are they? They may as straightforward as honesty, curiosity, integrity, truth, and respect, to name just a few, but it is worth the time and effort to think carefully about your values, and more importantly, why they are important to you, and the ways they can be demonstrated by you, and by others.

The above exercise will not only help you to identify your values but also put them into context in your life. Instead of adhering to the standards and values of others, you are now deciding them for yourself and ensuring that they are aligned with who you are and who you want to be.

 

Understanding who you are

It is sometimes surprising the number of people around you who are not as self-aware as they should be. They do not know what drives them, what their true passions are, nor do they consider what they are most likely to regret in the future. Similar to our standards, the things we want and what we think will make us happy may have been driven by the expectations of others, and are not what we decided for ourselves.

As can be expected, the exercise to understand who you are is a never-ending one, as we are continually changing and evolving – which thus makes it even more important, as we can become considerably out of touch with who we are. Journalling, counselling and psychotherapy can all help you in the introspection process, and to confront parts of yourself or unpleasant experiences that have shaped you nonetheless, but have not addressed.

 

Defining your own standards

Recognising that knowing yourself is a continuing journey, and having identified your values, the next stage is to set your personal standards for how you would like to act, behave and live across different areas of your life. To be clear, these standards would be considered the minimum of what you would accept, and expect, for yourself. So starting with your values, identify how those values should be reflected in your life in terms of your actions, behaviour and attitude.

For those who have engaged in life planning, such as by using our guidelines, How to Create a Life Plan: To get the life you want, you would already have identified the priority areas of your life that you can use as key headings under which to set standards. Also, in referencing your life plan, you have a built-in opportunity to review the plan: the vision and goals you had set, as well as the action plans you had created, to not only check your progress to date but also ensure that the standards you are now setting are indeed aligned with your life plan

 

In summary, setting standards and holding yourself to them is an internal process. For the most part, no one really cares intrinsically about your standards. The process and experience are for you: to help you become more honest with yourself, about who you are, who you would like to be, and the journey that it will take to get there.

 

 

Image:  Rayyu Maldives (Unsplash)