I love myself the way I am
There’s nothing I need to change
I’ll always be the perfect me
Nothing to rearrange
I’m beautiful and capable
Of being the best me I am
And I love myself just the way I am

This is the opening verse of a popular song by Alliance, which was used widely in the late 1980s and 1990s in kindergartens and elementary schools, all the way to the self-love seminars and workshops that were all the rage at the time. (Listen to the song in its entirety at the end of this article). As simple as the lyrics are, they are quite profound. Further, and although we might inherently think that we are aligned with the words: I love myself the way I am / There’s nothing I need to change / etc, upon closer scrutiny, we might realise that we are not as comfortable with ourselves as we first believed.

 

The Slippery Slope Of Criticism

From the outset, it is fair and necessary to say that criticism can be good. It can help you see your failings and where you can improve. Additionally, we live in a tough world, and criticism can help you to dig deep, strengthen your mettle, to become more resilient. However, what might initially be considered ‘constructive criticism’, if applied too strongly or too often, can easily begin to undermine an individual self-esteem and self-worth.

Among women in particular, and starting in childhood, we can to have an uneasy relationship with ourselves, which can be exacerbated by the comparisons others make of us, and those we make of ourselves with others. Sadly, these comparisons can start young, as girls notice the differences between themselves and their dolls – in terms of skin colour, hair texture, hair length, to name just a few. It is thus no wonder that we are perhaps even more attuned to critical opinions and comments, particularly from ourselves: and the self-loathing begins.

As we move into our teenage and early adult years, our bodies change in ways we might not have expected. More importantly, we are acutely aware of whatever is the current standard of beauty – be it in the movies, glamour magazines or on social media – and more so, how we match up. Within our communities, there might be the ‘cool girls’, who not only are considered attractive, but also have access to a life or lifestyle that you wished you had. And again, you become self-critical about your appearance, as well as all of your perceived failings.

Although age might bring wisdom, and so intellectually you might know that all things considered, you are doing well, the negative voice of criticism and self-doubt might not be far away. So even as a well-regarded professional, a wife and mother, and/or a homemaker, your inner voice is still saying that you are inadequate, and is quick to point out your faults whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, or when you let your guard down.

It is thus easy to focus on your supposed faults, especially those regarding your appearance: “My face is too fat”; “I am too fat”; “I have terrible skin”; “Look at all of these stretch marks and cellulite on my thighs!” However, if you delve a little bit deeper, and really examine all of the self-critical talk, what you might not be ready to admit is that you do not love yourself fully.

 

Reversing Your Self-Critical Thoughts

Admitting that self-love is a challenge for you is truly the first step towards greater self-acceptance and self-love. To a considerable degree, and noting that you are likely to have a long history with criticism – of yourself and others – you will need to make a conscious effort to rewrite that script, which by now would be automatically triggered, even before we realise it.

As a first step, it is to become more aware of the your negative thoughts, and stop them in their tracks, instead of accepting whatever is being said. However, and after you stop the negative thought, consider challenging it, and trying to replace it with a positive thought or statement about yourself.

It is also recommended that you be mindful of the times or situations in which you might be comparing yourself with others, and not even realise it. For example, you might notice another woman who has a much-coveted designer bag, or has flawless skin; but are you just acknowledging what she has, or are there subliminal messages that you wish to also have them, thus negating yourself or your life?

Breaking the cycle of self-criticism takes concerted effort and practise. It may also be necessary to more fully appreciate the experiences that might be at the root of your self-esteem issues, for example, key moments in your childhood or early adult life that may have amplified the negative messages you tell yourself.

Having said this, it is also important to be kind to yourself, and give yourself grace: that you are in fact perfect as you are, and that it will take time to get a handle on your self-critical thoughts. Further, do be open to accepting yourself as you are, and know that you are worthy to be loved by you… completely.

 

 

 

Image: De’Andre Bush (Unsplash)