More often than not, we all have goals and dreams that we would like to achieve. Although we cannot really control the outcome of situations, it can almost seem counterintuitive when we seem to undermine our own efforts to realise a certain outcome. Take a simple example: New Year’s resolutions. Many of us make them in early January. Some resolutions might be ambitious, but typically, they are quite modest, such as to exercise regularly, improve our diet, or take a short course to help our career prospects. However, by mid-February most of us have abandoned those goals, and perhaps will try again next year.

Although not keeping our New Year’s resolutions, which essentially are promises that we have made to ourselves, might seem innocent enough, it ought to be seen as a form of self-sabotage. Moreover, if we examine ourselves a bit more closely, it is likely that our lives are littered with instances in which we have sabotaged ourselves, and undermined our chances of success.

 

What Is Self-Sabotage And Why Do We Do It?

On the face of it, many of us might deny that we engage in self-sabotaging behaviour. When we think of self-sabotage, images of people binge eating but saying they want to be healthy may come to mind, or engaging in some form of self-injury, such as cutting, but acting as it everything is okay. However, in fact, self-sabotage is behaviour that undermines our success despite our own wishes, dreams or values; and so, the ways it manifests can appear quite innocuous and benign.

An excellent example of self-sabotage that we all do, but would never assign that term, is procrastination. We have set a goal that we say we would like to accomplish, but we avoid it. We find other ways to occupy our time, and either never get around to tackling the requisite tasks towards that goal, or when we start, the window of opportunity has narrowed considerably, so that the returns are no longer what they should have been.

One of the sobering things to note about self-sabotage is that sometimes, we do so unconsciously. The triggers for such behaviour might stem from childhood, and may permeate many areas of a person’s life.

Trauma, for example, be it in childhood or even as an adult, can affect a person’s self-esteem and reinforce feelings that they are not deserving of good things, or of success. In turn, they avoid situations in which they could be vulnerable, or could be rejected; or they act in ways to ruin a potentially positive situation, which in turn justifies their low self-esteem and low outlook on life.

 

Fear of failure versus fear of success

It is also important to highlight that sometimes we self-sabotage because we fear success just as much, or even more than, we fear failure. When we fear failure, it can cause us to hesitate and engage in avoidance, because somehow it seems to make logical sense that if we do not start something we cannot fail at it.

In many of our societies, the price for failure is high. We may find ourselves criticised and ostracised if we have failed at something: a relationship or marriage; a business; an important examination. And in developing countries in particular, safety nets might not be readily available that allow us second chances, or at the very least, to dust ourselves off and continue our journey. So if we don’t take the chance to start, there’s little chance of being seen as a failure if the situation doesn’t work out.

On the flip-side, although success can be wonderful thing, it can be quite intimidating. We might never have thought it possible for us to achieve a particular goal, and our insecurities and self-limiting beliefs cause us to hold on to status quo. We might also fear how our lives might change if we are successful, or worry about the natural consequences of that success, such as more responsibility, leaving people behind, etc. And again, seek to avoid it the success that is there for the taking through self-sabotaging behaviour.

 

Overcoming Self-Sabotage

Due to the insidious nature of self-sabotage, and the fact that it could be deeply rooted in our psyche and the way we see ourselves and view ourselves in the world, it can be difficult to overcome. In many instances, childhood trauma and learned behaviour are at the source of self-sabotaging behaviour, and so self-awareness and introspection are critical to begin the journey of healing.

One of the first order of business is to be able to identify situations and ways in which you as sabotaging yourself and your efforts. Are there particular scenarios that trigger that kind of behaviour? Also, what sort of behaviour are you demonstrating?

Thereafter, and once you have a sense of how and when you engage in self-sabotaging behaviour, you can begin the process to identify their source. In other words, what past situations are the origins of this type of behaviour? What might be the patterns that are being repeated, or that you are perpetuating in the present?

To be clear, the source(s) may be past trauma, and revisiting those experiences can trigger intense emotions and reactions that you may not necessarily be prepared to address and resolve. Further, these experience may not only be leading to self-sabotaging behaviour, but may also be affecting your self-esteem and other aspects of your life. In the event you do not have the tools or expertise to guide yourself through the healing process, professional help is strongly recommended along with seeking the support of family and friends.  

Finally, and though easier said than done, once you become aware of the triggering situations, the focus would be on neutralising the self-sabotaging thoughts and actions that you would normally follow. How you deactivate those thoughts would be unique to you, but it will require constant vigilance, in order to recognise the myriad of ways you have been holding yourself back, and to allow yourself the grace to step more fulling into yourself and who you can be.

 

 

Image: sydney Rae (Unsplash)